A Very Apt Metaphor
by Red Witch
Summary: Shortly after returning from San Marcos, Ray gives Lana a little pep talk.


**Archer took off to who knows where with the disclaimer saying that I don't own any Archer characters. Just a little Lana/Ray friendship fluff that came into my head. **

**A Very Apt Metaphor**

"You know Lana just when I think your relationship with Archer can't get any more complicated and twisted," Ray sighed as he helped put away some baby supplies in Lana's temporary room at Tunt Manor. "You topped yourself. Seriously, did you even **think** about this before you…? Lana?"

Lana was looking down at Abbiejean asleep in the crib that Archer gave her. There were tears in her eyes.

Ray went over to her and put his hand on her shoulder. "She's beautiful Lana," He smiled as he looked down on the sleeping infant.

"She is," Lana sniffed.

"Come on, let's let her sleep," Ray indicated. Lana nodded and they went outside into the hallway.

Lana closed the door and sighed. "Asshole…" She let out a breath.

"Well there's a fine how do you do…" Ray mocked.

"Not you! Archer," Lana grumbled.

"I figured," Ray smirked.

"I don't understand it," Lana was confused. "When I was pregnant Archer said he'd be there for me. He even became a doula so he could help me! Not a very good doula but it's the thought that counts right?"

"Uh…Do you want my honest opinion or what you **want** to hear?" Ray asked.

"When things were bad Archer promised me that we'd get through this together," Lana sniffed. "He even offered to help raise the baby when he thought it wasn't his. And what happens the second he finds out that it is? He runs away! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT MAN?"

"That is a question psychiatrists will be analyzing for years," Ray remarked.

"I can't believe he just ran…" Lana's voice was filled with shock and anger.

"Gee it's not like he hasn't run away before," Ray said sarcastically. "Like **every time** something major happens in his life!"

"Thanks for the support Ray," Lana snapped.

"Lana what do you **want** me to say?" Ray asked. "**You're** the one who **chose** to have Archer as the father of your child. Without his consent I might add."

"I know…" Lana sighed.

"After all these years of dealing with his jackassery and his selfishness and his womanizing," Ray went on. "You actually thought that man would change overnight? Look what happened in San Marcos! The man promised to stop his womanizing and what did he do within the first few hours we get there? He nailed the dictator's wife and nearly got us all killed!"

"I remember Ray. I was there!" Lana was frustrated.

"Do you remember how that man **treated **you all these years?" Ray asked. "How he treated me and everyone else? How much of a dick he is because clearly Lana you had some kind of memory lapse when you decided to do this!"

"Well I…," Lana groaned.

"Have you completely **forgotten** the great pregnancy scare a few years ago?" Ray snapped. "You remember what Archer said when you told him you thought you might be pregnant? He wanted to know if you wanted cash or a check for the abortion clinic and said you need to get a ride there yourself because he was…And I quote…Going to be busy updating his black book to ensure he had the best hookers in town on it!"

"I…" Lana began to protest.

"And then you and I spent an entire afternoon with twelve different pregnancy tests and a bottle of vodka with you boohooing and bawling every five seconds," Ray went on. "And when they all came back negative how relieved you were? And then how when you told Archer he said he wanted to have sex with you in his office to celebrate? Did you forget **that?**"

"I know! But…" Lana protested weakly.

"I mean I get why you didn't want to have a baby with Cyril," Ray threw up his hands. "Paging Captain Obvious! But to just steal Archer's sperm…And I'm not even going to go into **that!** I mean, you're always Miss Ethical preaching doing the right thing and what do you do? You committed a violation way worse than what Archer did to you!"

"How is that possible?" Lana asked. "Archer cheated on me all the time and left more sperm lying around than unwashed socks!"

"It's one thing for a man to choose what to do with his sperm no matter how wrong it is," Ray explained. "It's another thing to make the choice for him!"

"You have a point," Lana groaned.

"You think?" Ray gave her a look. "Lana you could have had that man out of your life forever if you really wanted and moved on! Now you're stuck with him for the rest of your life! You created a bond between you two that can't be broken and now that bond is crazy glue! With emphasis on the crazy!"

"Oh God…" Truth was hitting Lana at breakneck speed. "What the hell have I done?"

"Remember what you said during the whole Baby Seamus incident? You said and I quote it was like you dodged the world's most dysfunctional bullet…" Ray went on.

"Yeah I remember saying something like that," Lana winced.

"It's like when you dodged the bullet…" Ray began. "You went out and collected the bullet, put it back in the gun. Painted a big ol' target on yourself and then shot yourself with the bullet in the stomach."

"I get it."

"You have to admit it's a very apt metaphor," Ray added.

"Isn't that technically a simile?" Lana spoke up. "Which is which again? Oh it doesn't matter!"

"I'm sorry I'm being an insensitive bitch but come on Lana. It's not like this hasn't happened before. We all know Archer isn't exactly the most mature person in the world," Ray told her.

"I **know **that!" Lana barked. "I know he's an irresponsible alcoholic womanizing asshole! But I still love him Ray! I…I don't know. I just thought he had great genes and maybe…maybe if he had a reason to settle down…"

"He'd settle down with you?" Ray groaned. "Sure nothing cements a relationship like stealing some sperm and having a baby."

"I know. I know. But Mallory said…" Lana began.

"You got this idea from **Mallory Archer**?" Ray barked. "Why does this…? God Lana I thought you knew by now that any idea Mallory Meaner Than the Devil Archer is not exactly the best one!"

"Okay! So I screwed up! Happy?" Lana was near tears. "I don't know! I was just hoping…Just a tiny part of me wanted him for once in his life to man up and…"

"Shhh…Come on Mama," Ray hugged his friend. "It's okay. It's okay. For what it's worth deciding to have a baby wasn't the worst idea you've ever had. It's gonna be okay."

"I just feel so…Frustrated and stupid and…" Lana sobbed.

"Look Lana," Ray sighed as he gently patted her back. "You've always got me in your corner, you know that right? I only tell it like it is for your own good."

"I know," Lana sighed. "You can be a bitch sometimes but you're an honest bitch. Unlike that two timing double crossing…sperm donor!"

"Hey, forget about that asshole for now," Ray said gently. "No matter what you've got me girlfriend. You're my friend and real friends don't duck and run when the going gets tough. I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

"Thanks Ray," Lana sighed. "Oh why the hell didn't I steal your sperm?"

"I'm going to answer that with a thank you that you didn't," Ray groaned.

"I really thought this time things would be different," Lana groaned. "I don't know why. He really wanted to be a father right before…Ugh. I feel so stupid."

"Archer is the stupid one, running out on you and that darlin' little baby girl. But you know he won't be gone long. Sooner or later Archer will drag his drunken ass home," Ray said. "You and I will take turns kicking it until he at least tries to be a halfway decent father."

"I'd like that," Lana smirked as she rested her head on her friend's shoulder.

"Unfortunately there is one **other problem** with you having Archer as the father of your baby," Ray groaned. "A big one."

"What do you mean? What other problem?" Lana asked as she pulled away.

Right on cue Mallory rounded the corner. "Oh **there** you are," She scoffed. "I hate to pull you away from your girl talk but I need both of you to shred some files. Since Pam has been dragged off the rehab for a weekend and Cheryl…"

The smoke alarm was heard. "Oh never mind," Mallory sighed. "Apparently she's already taken care of that. And speaking of taking care of things, Lana I hope you don't put in maternity leave because right now we can't afford it!"

"And there's that grandmotherly love right there," Ray folded his arms.

"Excuse me Miss Priss but I am restarting an agency from scratch and with Sterling running off on one of his infamous benders…Thank you **very much** Lana…" Mallory began.

"How exactly is this **my fault**?" Lana barked.

"I don't know," Mallory huffed. "Maybe saying 'Surprise! The baby's yours' right after we escape from an invasion after Sterling escaped prison only a few hours ago might have had something to do with it!"

"First of all…What the hell Mallory?" Lana barked. "You didn't exactly protest much when Cyril locked him up in the first place!"

"You were more concerned about the damn wines bottles that got broken," Ray added.

"I was in shock from the coup," Mallory sniffed.

"For three weeks straight?" Ray asked.

"Shut up," Mallory glared at him. "My point is that thanks to Lana I'm without my best agent!"

"HA!" Lana rolled her eyes. "Archer your best agent who lost about half your cocaine…"

"Messed up almost all of our missions…" Ray added.

"And was responsible for nearly getting us killed in a coup because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants for a few hours?" Lana finished.

"Yes. So that says something about you lot doesn't it?" Mallory huffed. "Which reminds me…Lana we should have a little talk about little…What's her name again?"

"Abbiejean," Lana spoke up.

"Really? **That's** what you went with?" Mallory gave her a look. "Well we'll put a pin in that later and discuss it. Later you and I can fill out some forms about my granddaughter's uh, college fund. No need for you to read the forms I just need you to sign…"

BOOOOOOOOOM!

"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl's laughter could be heard as well as a louder smoke alarm. "BURN! BURN! BURN!"

"Cheryl those better not be anything I don't want destroyed you country cow!" Mallory snarled as she ran to stop whatever was going on. "And you better not be using any of that smuggled liquor to fuel the flames!"

"You really didn't think this through did you?" Ray gave Lana a look.

"No, I did not," Lana groaned getting a massive headache.


End file.
